Drowning in Nothing
by Break This Spell666
Summary: "Just because I'm telling this story doesn't mean I'm alive at the end." Isabelle Blishwick doesn't have an easy life and she turns to the only thing that can ease her pain. Warning: major adult themes, if you don't like blood/self inflicted pain don't read!
1. Chapter 1

**This story is based on "If Only He Could Read My Mind" by Gyffindork, which is really good but I thought I'd give it a bit different of an ending (not sure what that is yet though...) Some parts are very similar to Grffindork's story but Izzy is my character and the different ending is mine too.  
**

Chapter one

Just because I'm telling this story doesn't mean I'm alive at the end. Just because I'm breathing and my heart is beating in the end, doesn't mean I'm alive. In order to be truly _alive_ you have to be able to feel, and that is what I have been trying to stop since fifth year; until now, halfway through sixth year. That's when I met Remus Lupin. He saved my life in a way that he'll never know. Unfortunately, good things never last; such a cliché, I know, but it's unbearably true. I know from personal experience, but alas, I'm getting ahead of myself. The only right way to tell a story is from the beginning. Readers be warned though, this is no fairy tale. I don't even know if it has a happy ending. Let's go back to the beginning: a few months into sixth year, two weeks after Remus asked me out.

* * *

I sat alone in from of the Gryffindor fire, letting the endless chatter of the Common Room wash over me. I cleared my mind, trying to forget the harsh letter I'd recently received from the people who call themselves 'my parents'. As thoughts of them pushed to the surface, I started worrying the marks on my wrist, causing them to sting warningly. I stopped, not wanting to re-open them and have people, particularly Remus, notice. I felt someone approaching and hurriedly fixed my sleeve so it's covering my wrist.

"Are you ok babe?" Remus asked and he sat down next to me. "You look pale." He was always so concerned and yet he never would have guessed what was truly wrong. Part of me wanted to tell him, but the defiant, proud part refused to see the pity that would surely enter his eyes.

I smiled. "I'm fine, just tired, you know." I automatically leaned into his shoulder as he put an arm around me.

"You're amazing, Isabelle," he mumbled into my hair as he kissed my temple.

"I don't see why," I grumbled to myself. I knew I was worthless, nothing special; my parents were thoughtful enough to remind me regularly of the fact.

Eventually, I headed to bed, making a detour at the bathroom. After checking that the dorm was empty, I locked the door and threw up my dinner. It'd become natural and regular these past months: I'd eat little and throw it up as quickly as I could. It was simply a necessity.

**Keep in mind it will get dark and a bit graphic. Please review.  
**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

Several days passed. It was finally Friday morning, and Lily, Alice and I were eating breakfast when the Marauders walked in. James immediately smiled and winked at Lily, who scowled and started complaining to Alice about how arrogant he was. I sat, listening to their argument and secretly siding with Alice- Lily should give the poor boy a chance- when Remus appeared at my side, looking tired and worried.

"Can we talk?" he asked in an undertone. I nodded, scared. He was using a 'bad news' tone. I got up and followed him out of the Great Hall and into a semi-hidden corridor.

"Remus, what's going on?"

He took a shaky breath. "We have to break up."

"W-What?" I stammered.

"I'm sorry, it's for the best. I'm not good enough."

"Remus, don't." My heart broke at the words 'not good enough'. I heard those words so much, but I thought Remus was the last person who would say them to me.

"I'm so sorry, Izzy." He walked away without turning back.

It was clear I was the one that didn't measure up. I was the reason he wanted out. Who could blame him? Fat, ugly, hurt. That was me. Someone like Remus wouldn't want to date someone like that. I fell to the floor, expecting tears, _wanting_ tears, but they didn't come. They didn't flow because I now had a better way to relieve my hurt.

I raced to my dorm, knowing it would be empty and knowing what I'd find there. I locked myself in the bathroom, frantically searching for my blade. Where is it? There! I saw the silver gleam. Grabbing it, I paused, readying myself. Then, I brought the razor down on my arm, higher than my two day old marks on my wrist. With every cut the mantra 'Not good enough' echoed in my head. Finally, the tears came and with them, my single to stop. I cleaned and bandaged my arm, letting it heal the muggle way (to heal it with magic would defeat the purpose), and waved my wand to clean the bathroom. After washing my face and making sure my shirt sleeve hid the bandage, I left. I'd be late to Charms but I didn't want to be alone.

Just my luck, Flitwick was lecturing when I walked in, so everyone noticed and stared. I put my head down and rushed to my seat. Feeling eyes on me, I glanced across the room to find Remus staring at me. His eyes held _pity_. I clenched my teeth and held my chin up as I faced the front. He would not know how much he hurt me! Lily and Alice both threw me a questioning look and I mouthed "tell you later."

After the double block of Charms, I was the first one out of the classroom and in the Great Hall for lunch. As I waited for my friends the Marauders walked in. James and Sirius glanced at me and Remus completely ignored me.

Lily and Alice sat down. "What happened?" they demanded.

"Remus-" I took a deep breath and said in a rush: "Remus broke up with me."

Lily's eyes darkened. "He did WHAT?" She was almost shouting and made a move towards him, who was sitting not too far away.

I grabbed her arm. "Lily, _please_. It's his decision." Her move towards Remus hadn't gone unnoticed and he, James and Sirius stared at me in disbelief. Peter didn't notice anything was amiss.

"Why can't I kill him?" Lily hissed. "Look at how he hurt you!" I almost laughed; she had no clue.

"Alice, back me up here."

"Lily," Alice began reluctantly. "You can't force Remus to be in a relationship if he doesn't want to be."

"Besides," I said, shrugging. "It's no big deal." Now Alice stared in disbelief. A blind man could see I was upset. "I'm done," I muttered, putting down my half-eaten sandwich. "See you later." I got up, walked calmly out and made it to the bathroom before the tears started falling. After my usual after-meal routine, I walked up to my dorm for my free period, looking forward to being able to relax.

I was doing a good job of clearing my mind until I heard a tapping on the window. Glancing over, I groaned, recognizing my parents' owl. Wondering what I'd done this time, I let him in, taking the letter and getting pecked in response. Unrolling the letter I read:

_Dear Daughter,_

_ You are in immense trouble when you get home you lazy pig. You are a disgrace to out Pureblood name. An 'E' in Transfiguration is unacceptable. We told you we expected an 'O'_

_Wishing you didn't exist,_

_Your Parents. _

Dead. The wanted me _dead? _Fine. If I am such a waste and will never be good enough, what's the point?

They want me dead? Well they'll get their wish.

Tonight.

I am so done.

* * *

.z.

I waited for an hour after my dorm mates fell asleep to creep out and down the tower. I met no teachers in the hall and when I got to the front doors, they were unlocked. It was too easy; it was as if the world wanted me gone. As I stepped out into the light of the full moon, I thought of the irony. I was ending my life under a moon filled with promises. That's how I always saw full moons. I wouldn't have been there if had shown someone the letter, if I'd just asked for help. I was too proud to ask though, and too ashamed to tell anyone. Too ashamed to show anyone the marks on my wrists, arms, legs, even my stomach.

No this is the best way, I had concluded. I took the knife out of my pocket upon reaching the Forbidden Forest. Again, it was easy to filch the knife from dinner while Lily and Alice were again arguing about James. I was debating whether to place the knife at my heart or throat when I heard a growl from behind me.

I turned around to see a werewolf standing there, intently staring at me. Well, it would have been easier than the knife. I lowered my arm, sticking the knife back into my pocket, and stood calmly, waiting for it to attack. We stood frozen there for a split second and then the beast lunged, slashing my stomach open. Poised on top of me, the werewolf snarled in my face. I held my breath, expecting it to rip my throat out. But before it could, a big, black dog came flying and knocked it off me. _'Great. At least the blood loss will kill me soon_' was my last thought before I thought I heard someone calling my name and I blacked out.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I awoke slowly, confused with my white surroundings. I had never bought into that Heaven-is-all-white crap. Then I saw the bottles on the nightstand and registered the rows of beds. Why was I in the hospital wing? I failed, I realized. I can't even manage to kill myself properly. Who screws _that_ up?

"Izzy! You're awake!" A voice called. I located the owner across the room. Why on earth were James Potter and Sirius Black here? Who were they huddled around?...oh God, that's Remus! A million thoughts swirled in my mind and all that managed to come out was "ugh". I cautiously sat up and looked around. I could hear whom I presumed to be Madame Pomfry bustling around in the office and saw a much disapproved looking McGonagall standin by the door.

"Miss Blishwick." I had never heard her sound so stern before. "I hope you realize how serious this is." I could see the Marauders watching from the corner of my eye.

"Professor McGonagall, can we please discuss this privately?" Oops, wrong thing to say based on how much thinner her mouth became.

"No. I think, considering there boys found you, saved your life, they should know _what_ they saved you from."

I raised my chin. "They saved me from a werewolf." I saw Remus flinch at that. Wait...Oh God...He's in the hospital...At least once a month he looks beat up. Why hadn't I noticed sooner? He was the werewolf!

"Miss Blishwick, it is clear from the knife that was in your back pocket, the obvious marks all over you body," I don't know why but I blushed. "and your lack to fight the werewolf at all, that they saved you from yourself."

Remus sat up. "Izzy, is it true?" I mutely nodded. "Why?" he whispered.

"It takes away the pain" I answered, proud of the defiance in my voice. I saw the fury gathering on Remus' face and a curious look on Sirius' that I couldn't name.

"What pain? What could possibly be so awful that you do this to yourself?" His voice held a range of emotions, from guilt (not sure why), to disbelief (was it really that hard to believe?), to anger (I suppose that was justified), to _pity_. I hated people pitying me!

"Every letter they send, every look the give me, it's obvious I'm not good enough." My voice rose in anger. "Tell me: If I'm not good enough for them, not good enough for you," I was rewarded by seeing him flinch again. "Why should I keep living my miserable life?"

"Izzy, baby-" Remus began but I cut him off.

"No. Don't bother. I know when I'm not wanted."

"Miss Blishwick!" McGonagall exclaimed. "I hardly think that is a fair statement."

My anger flared again. What did she know? Remus dumped me with the bullshit reason he wasn't good enough when anyone could see I was the one at fault. "Yeah, well life isn't fair is it? What did I ever do to deserve parents who treat me like this? Nothing, yet they do and this is how it ends." I glared at McGonagall.

"Izzy-Isabelle-" Oh boy. Here's where he tried to explain himself. "I broke up with you to protect you. I almost killed you last night! If James and Sirius hadn't-" Remus choked up and whatever he was about to say was lost by Dumbledore walking in.

"Miss Blishwick," he began gravely. "It has come to my attention that you have a serious problem with your home life."

"Oh, it's 'come to your attention' has it?" I sneered.

He didn't look the least bit taken aback. "Yes, it has. How long, may I ask."

"A year." Everyone in the room gasped. "What?" I demanded. "Shocked you didn't know?" I had no clue where this was coming from; maybe I was just angry at the world.

"Why didn't you do to someone for help?" The old man was annoyingly calm, like he dealt with this kind of thing all the time.

"It's kind of a private matter, you know."

"No, Isabelle," Remus injected. "It's not. It's something we-I- could have helped with."

No it's not! Don't you see? There's nothing you can do!" I yelled.

"Why not?" He retorted.

"Because," I replied, my voice dropping to a whisper. "They'll kill me." A dropped pin could have been heard in the hospital wing.

"Bloody hell!" Sirius exclaimed. "Sounds like my parents." His half grin melted some of my anger.

"Miss Blishwick, don't you realize that this is considered child abuse. Had you come to someone, we could have gotten you out of that house before you started this behavior." I looked at the headmaster. I didn't think the Wizarding World had anything like child services. I did know that there was no way I would get out of the hospital wing with agreeing to quit, without agreeing to accepting help and _pity_. It was a good thing I knew how to lie.

"Really?" I whispered, starting my show.

"Yes, and we still can get you help." I felt five pairs of eyes on me.

"Alright," I nodded. "I'll get help."

"Good." With a nod, Dumbledore and McGonagall swept out of the wing. As soon as they left, Madame Pomfry hustled out of her office.

"Miss Blishwick, please stand up." Crap, as a nurse, she would be able to take one look and know I wasn't eating properly. Sure enough, as soon as I stood up she looked me over and kindly asked, "How long?"

I decided some tears would make it seems like I was accepting help as I answered, "Five months."

I heard Remus groan. "Why?"

"Cutting takes the pain away. Vomiting makes me skinny and pretty."

"No," he said sharply. I looked at him. "It doesn't. Don't you see that you are beautiful?" I snorted and he gave me a pained look. "Please Izzy." I had never heard Remus Lupin beg before.

"Yes?"

"Please let us help you."

I pretended to hesitate even though I knew what my answer would be. "Alright, I'll let you help." I saw Sirius giving me a calculating look, as if he knew I was lying. They would never be able to help me, no one would.

**I don't know if I was right about the whole Children Services, it seems like it wouldn't exist in the Wizarding World but maybe it does.**


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is a little bit of a filler but enjoy.**

Chapter Four

A week passed since McGonagall outted me. I had told everyone (everyone being Remus, James and Sirius) that I was doing better. It was a lie of course; I had cut twice. Both times it was because of Remus' hovering and that damn _pitying_ look in his eyes. No one knew of course, I had learned to lie, cheat and hide a long time ago.

"Hey Izzy," Remus joined me by the fire one night.

"Hey Remus."

"How are you?" He asked, again.

I sighed. "I'm good," I answered like I did every time.

He frowned. "You know you can tell me anything right?"

"Mmhm." _No I can't_.

"Actually," Remus cleared his throat and looked down. "I was- uh- wondering if you would um- go out with me again." He blushed.

I stared at him. He had the guts to ask me out on a Pity Date? "No," I told him.

He looked hurt. "Why not?"

"You don't have to ask me on a Pity Date, Remus."

A muscle jumped in his cheek and the hurt look was replaced with anger. "Pity Date!? Izzy, I really like you! I want to be with you. I ended things earlier because-"

I cut him off. "You don't have to explain. I get it, really. I didn't measure up and now you feel guilty because the day you broke up with me I tried to commit suicide." Remus let out a strangled noise. "Trust me, that wasn't about you. Not really anyway."

"Guilty," He said slowly. "You think I'm asking you out because I feel _guilty_? What the hell! You never told me you were having problems! Was I supposed to read your mind? How is this even possibly my fault?"

My temper started rising. "I didn't say it was your fault. I know it's not your fault!"

"So why won't you go out with me?"

"Because it's still a Pity Date."

"How can I convince you it's not?" He pleaded.

I simply said, "You can't."

"But-"

"Look Remus." I stood up. "You're a great guy. You should find a nice girl who you don't have to worry is going to kill herself every other day. You'll never have that with me because I know you'll always worry. I'll always be 'the girl who cut herself'."

"No! That's not-"

"It's alright," I told him gently. "I made my choices and I accept them." I gave him a small smile and turned away.

"Izzy!" Remus called to my retreating back.

I walked into my dorm and sat on my bed, a whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my mind. I tried to clear my head, knowing exactly what would numb my thoughts: my razor. Then I felt a confusing stab of guilt. I had never felt guilty about my cutting before, there was no need to. I had never really felt anything about it; it was a necessary fact of my life.

To have emotions about it is against the purpose of it. I thought back to the last time I cut; I definitely didn't feel guilty then. What had changed? Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks: Remus asked me out! I almost audibly growled.

How dare he! He took away the last sanctuary I had. Maybe it's a sick sense of Sanctuary but it was my safe place nonetheless and he took it away. Unfamiliar, and possibly unjustified, rage boiled up inside. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to reclaim my safe place, to prove he couldn't stop me.

I calmly stood up (how on Earth could I have been calm at a time like this?), collected my toiletries (which held my razor and bandages) and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

I was on my fourth cut when I heard someone banging on the door. "Izzy, open up!" Lily called. "I really need to get in there!" Shit! I started rushing to clean up, pausing to call back "Just a minute." I glanced in the mirror as I passed, cursing how pale I looked. I flung open the door and froze, expecting to see Lily. Instead, the Marauders stood in front of me, arms crossed. Peter looked mildly confused; James and Sirius outraged; but Remus looked absolutely livid.

Struggling to keep my voice steady, I asked "What are they doing here?"

Lily appeared from behind them. "They demanded I get them up here and you out of the bathroom." She gave me an apologetic shrug. "I'll just…go," She finished awkwardly.

"Peter," James spoke from Remus' left side. "Show Lily out and make sure no one comes in." Peter took Lily by the elbow and left.

"We're only going ask once, Izzy," Sirius said from Remus' other side. "What were you doing in there?"

"Well, it's a loo so I'd imagine that it's self explanatory what I was doing in there."

Remus' eyes blazed with anger. "Tell us the truth."

"I was calming myself down." It was a fact.

"With a knife?" James bluntly asked in the way that only he or Sirius could.

"There are ways of using a knife to calm down without cutting," I countered. Sometimes, when I didn't have room to cut and had to wait for old ones to heal, I would run the blade up and down my arm without breaking the skin. It worked well for short blocks of time.

"Don't be a smartass. You know what we mean." I had never seen them so angry before. Suddenly, the fight drained out of me, not enough to tell the truth though, only to act like I was.

I sighed. "Believe it not, I wasn't cutting."

"Show us your arms," Sirius challenged. He had the same strange look on his face as when I told them why I cut myself the morning after I failed to kill myself.

"Why?"

"Because we don't believe you, that's why," Remus answered.

I stubbornly crossed my arms, trying not to wince at the pain. "No."

"If you don't, we'll get McGonagall." James threatened.

"And tell her what? That you barged into the Girl's dorm and tried to threaten and intimidate me into pushing up my sleeves?"

"Yes!"

"Fine. Here you go." I pushed up my sleeves and barred my scarred arms that had no recent cuts; I'd cut my stomach. Their looks of disbelief made me smirk. Then Remus wised up.

"Pull up your shirt."

"That's quite an order. And sorry but I'm not that kinda girl."

"You know that's not what I'm asking," he angrily retorted.

"Actually, I don't know what you're asking of me." Was I seriously flirting while he was trying to oust me for cutting?

"James," Sirius said before Remus could answer me. "Go fetch McGonagall." He rushed out of the room.

"You're not even allowed up here, "I smirked. "How are you gonna explain that?"

"We were charged with keeping you safe." Sirius answered coolly.

"Oh? You think you're in charge of my safety?" I spat.

"Yes Izzy. We are because you don't care," Remus quietly stated.

"You think I don't care?" Tears filled my eyes. "Do you think I do this for kicks? You think this is fun for me or something? Don't you realize I have to do this? I do this because I do care! I do this because I'm protecting my sanity. I do this because it's all I _can_ do to keep from drowning." Sirius looked shocked from my outburst and Remus just looked sad.

"You can grab the lifeline that's being offered to you, Izzy."

"There is none," I whispered.

"I'm throwing one. All of us are." He reached for me, but I stepped away. I watched Remus' face fall as James came back, slightly out of breath. "She's right behind me."

"Yes I am." McGonagall entered the room. "Messrs Potter, Black and Lupin, if you would kindly leave. And tell Mr. Pettigrew it's no longer necessary for him to stand guard."

Surely we have the right to stay, Professor?" James argued.

"We found her!" Sirius added, looking wildly at McGonagall.

"Yes boys, but-"

"We were charged with keeping her safe," Remus quietly said, without looking away from me.

"Yes, and you have done so. Now you must leave it up to me. Out." She pointed to the door and all three boys left. "Miss Blishwick," McGonagall looked kindly at me. "Would you please pull up your shirt?"

Knowing I couldn't talk my way out, I obliged, exposing the new cuts on my stomach.

McGonagall gasped. "Why? We're all trying to help you; why do you keep doing this to yourself?"

"I'm protecting myself," I answered as a hard edge crept into my voice.

"From what?" McGonagall sounded exasperated.

"Emotions, feelings," I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant about it. "anything that will remind me how worthless I am. Anything that will reinforce what my parents constantly tell me. Anything that throws my mind into chaos and threatens to drown me!" There was a gasp and the sound of a small scuffle outside the door, informing us the Marauders were eavesdropping. McGonagall frowned and opened the door, causing James and Sirius to fall into the room with Remus and Peter standing behind them.

James smirked. "You should have just let us stay, Minnie."

McGonagall sighed. "Oh alright, but not a peep out of you," she threatened. "Now Miss Blishwick-"

"I won't apologize for what I have to do," I said. "And I don't see myself stopping anytime soon either."

The shock in McGonagall's face was obvious before she covered it up. "I suggest you spend a few days in the hospital wing, Miss Blishwick."

I frowned. "No, I think I'll pass."

"This isn't a suggestion you can turn down."

**Please review!**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

So I found myself in the hospital, alone and yet it if I got out of bed, I would trigger the charm Madame Pomfrey placed around my bed.

"Great," I muttered to myself. "just what I wanted: to end up alone in the hospital talking to myself. So much for not going CRAZY!" I shouted the last word to the empty wing.

"You should be glad to be here." _Now I can add hearing voices to that list, _I thought as Sirius' voice came from the now-closing door.

"What the hell?" With a swish of air, Sirius appeared holding a cloak in his hands. "Is that an invisibility cloak?" I stupidly asked.

"He grinned. "Yup, borrowed it from James to sneak down here."

I scowled. "And why are you here?"

His grinned faded. "To check on you; James has detention and Remus didn't feel he was up to it. Oh and Peter isn't real sure what's happening. So here I am," he finished cheerfully.

"Oh he doesn't feel up to it?" I sneered. "Sure, whatever."

"Listen, Izzy. He doesn't understand, he just feels like you betrayed him. I know what it's like to have parents that are always disappointed in you." I just stared at him. How could he possibly understand? He saw the question in my face. "C'mon, I'm the Black that's in Gryffindor. You think they're cool with that? You think they're okay with me not believing all their Death Easter, Pureblood supremacy crap?" He got a hard glint in his eyes. "They threw me out, burned my name off the carpet. I get it, Remus doesn't. Sure, he's got his problem but him parents love him regardless."

I felt properly abashed. "Sirius, I'm so-"

"Don't," he waved his hand, brushing my half-formed apology away. "S'alright, you didn't know. Just don't judge him too harshly. He's had to deal with this-" he indicated my arms a stomach- "before." I looked at him questioningly. He sighed. "Don't judge me too harshly either," he asked as he pushed up his sleeves. There, crisscrossing his arms, were pale white scars.

"Oh." Now I felt bad. "Well, I'm hardly in a position to judge," I told him.

"No," he laughed dryly. "I suppose not."

"If Remus has dealt with this before," I asked quietly, "how come he doesn't feel like he can now?"

"Well, I suppose he didn't want to react like he did with me. He was barely controlling himself today and I think he's scared if he came here he'd end up just screaming at you."

"Is that what he did to you?"

Sirius nodded. "He felt bloody awful after and was scared he made it worse. Remus just didn't understand how anyone could hate their life so much. I believe his exact words were: 'I'm a werewolf for fuck's sake and I've never sunk that low'." Sirius chuckled. "He wouldn't quit apologizing 'til I threatened to kill myself if he didn't sod off; he was terrified I was serious. Then I told him of course I was Sirius!" He didn't hold back his laughter at the pun and I rolled my eyes. He overused his name as a joke.

"Why'd you stop?"

He stopped mid-laugh and his face hardened. "You mean _how_?"

"Yeah, sure," I muttered.

"Well Remus was scared he had made it worse but after he went off on me, I realized that while my parents might be bat-shit crazy and not give a flip, I had friends that did care. I still do." He looked up at me, his eyes soft and his face kind. "So do you, Izzy."

I sighed and looked away. I knew Remus cared, if only because he had dated me, and I knew the teachers did because they had to, but Sirius said he cared. Why would he?

He saw what I was thinking. "Izzy, why don't you believe that we care?" His voice was impossibly soft. "Remus was heartbroken when he ended things and-"

"It was his choice! He choose to dump me. Don't try to make excuses; I know why he did it. Why would he want to date me? Maybe he didn't know it at the time but he sensed something." I laughed darkly. "Why would anyone want to date a cutter?" Sirius flinched at the obvious malice in the word.

"Izzy," I made to cut him off again but he clamped his hand over my mouth. "No, you will listen to me." I glared at him. "Now where was I? Right, heartbroken Remus. Anyway, that night, when he woke up and found he almost killed you, all he could say was 'I'm a monster'. He ended things to protect you and he still ended up hurting you. Remus cares for you a great deal. James cares from you because you're a girl that made his best mate very happy and you need help, the chivalrous bastard. Peter cares for you because you're a fellow Gryffindor and Remus does." Sirius paused and it hit me.

I didn't care that Remus had dumped me (even if he had given me a bullshit reason). I didn't love him anymore (did I ever truly love him? I don't know). I wasn't hurting because of that (not anymore at least. Though maybe the 'pity date' wasn't really a pity date).

Sirius looked me dead in the eye, and I worried he be able to see my realization. "And I care because you're an amazing girl, Isabelle Blishwick, and I see myself in what you're going through. So, I am offering that lifeline you said wasn't there. I will keep offering that lifeline, no matter how many times you refuse it, until you accept my help." By the time he finished speaking and unclamped my mouth, he had moved within a foot of my face. My breath caught.

Suddenly, Sirius flushed and scooted back, clearing his throat. "Well, no doubt I've kept you awake long enough. Get some sleep Izzy." He stood, collected the cloak and with a swish of it, he was gone.

**This might be my last update for a while because school has started and I don't have any more of the story actually written. Suggestions are definitely welcome. I'm real sure where this is going; Izzy and Sirius will be something but I'm not sure exactly what… But anyway, please, **_**please**_** review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**So this is the promised update. Sorry it took so long, but I'm already working on chapter 8! Anyway, enjoy and review.**

Chapter 7

A brooding Izzy is never a good Izzy. Me brooding meant something bad, strange or just plain weird was happening. How Sirius was acting was possibly all three; I hadn't decided on 'bad' yet.

I was in the middle of a full scale brooding session when Dumbledore walked into the Hospital Wing.

"Miss Blishwick." The man always sounded so grave. Then again, there was a war going on, I suppose anyone in his position would be grave.

"Professor," I said, still distracted with my brooding.

"Ah, I see your mind is in other places." His eyes twinkled and his mouth quirked up into a smile.

That brought me to my senses. "Sorry Professor." I mumbled. I didn't like being called out like that, or being caught when I'm not alert.

"It's quite all right. Miss Blishwick- may I call you Isabelle?" I nodded. "Good. Now, as I understand it, you've had a relapse?" He came to sit next to my bed.

I cleared my throat. "Yes, Professor."

"If I may be blunt, are you eating properly?"

"Yes," It was the truth; I had stopped the vomiting, though I still had a small appetite.

"That's very good. Now," Dumbledore paused. "I don't mean to be presumptuous or to upset you, Isabelle, but as I understand it, Messer Potter, Black, and Lupin are very worried about you." I nodded slowly. Where was he going? "I don't presume to know much about you relationship with them, but I strongly suggest you allow them to help you. They do care."

Oh, of course that was where he went. I needed help. Well I knew I did, but there was no help anyone could give me. Not even Sirius Black.

Dumbledore gazed at me, his bright blue eyes piercing me as he waited for an answer. "I'll-I'll think about it, Sir."

"Think well then, Isabelle," he replied as he got up and turned to leave.

"Professor?"

He turned back around. "Yes?"

"Have you…" I felt my face turning red. "Have you dealt with this kind of thing before?"

He gave me a kindly, wise look. "A few times, which I must say is a few times too many."

"Oh."

"Yes, well I shall leave you to your thoughts. Oh, and get some rest, Isabelle. I daresay you need it." His eyes twinkled and he left.

* * *

Madame Pomfry told me I would be released after lunch the next day, and so I spent the night worrying. How was I going to face Remus? Dear God, how was I going to face Sirius? I knew only two things for certain: I didn't love Remus; and Sirius was his best friend. I didn't know how the second fact fit with the first, but there it was.

Did I like Sirius? Maybe? 'It's just a slight crush,' I told myself. 'He's attractive; he came to visit me, it means nothing.'

I didn't believe myself.

Did I like Sirius? Yes.

Would I act on it? No, it doesn't mean anything. He doesn't even like me.

Could I have a relationship with Sirius? Not a chance in hell.

_'Why not?'_ said a little voice in my head.

It wouldn't be fair to him.

_'Life isn't fair. You said so yourself.'_

I won't lead him on and break his heart.

_'Remus did it to you.' _

I don't love Remus. I don't care what Remus did. Besides, I won't date my ex's best mate.

_'Who said anything about dating?'_

I am not a slut! My inner voice was insulting. I was a lot of things, but slut wasn't one of them.

* * *

As it turns out, my worrying was pretty needless considering the Marauders weren't there when I left the Hospital Wing. Which was fine, I didn't want to see them anyway.

So I walked to the Common Room alone, but when I got there, I heard the distinct sounds of a party.

"What's the occasion?" I asked the Fat Lady.

"Quidditch win. Password?"

"No thanks," I muttered. Walking through the partying Common Room was not what I wanted to do. It was just after dinner (I'd put off leaving for several hours and went to the kitchens for dinner), so I went to hide in the library.

Slipping into the library, I made straight for the fiction section, trying to avoid Madame Prince's glare. I found my usual hiding spot, knowing full well that I would soon be forgotten and that I could stay until after curfew.

I was lost in a wonderful other world for several hours when someone cleared their throat in front of me. I looked up and straight into a pair of honey-colored eyes.

Remus.

"Yes?"

He raised an eyebrow at my rudeness. "I heard you were released."

"After lunch."

"You weren't at dinner."

"Good observation."

He frowned. "I thought you were eating again."

"I went to the kitchens."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to answer questions," I told him, returning to my book.

I heard a sigh. "Too bad. I think we deserve some answers."

"How long are you going to be mad at me, Remus?" He didn't answer, instead he choose to sit down next to me, completely uninvited of course.

"Izzy, look at me." He turned my head to face him when I ignored him. "Izzy, I'm not mad at you. Hurt, confused, disappointed, yes; but not mad, never mad.

"Then why are you here?"

"I told you, I want some answers. I'm willing to wait for them."

"Isn't there some party going on?" I asked, looking sideways at him.

He shrugged, "I'm not in a partying mood." I smirked. What a Remus Lupin answer. We sat in silence for several minutes before he broke it.

"A knut for your thoughts?"

"They're worth at least a sickle."

"Alright," Remus said easily, leaning back in the chair. I scowled, annoyed at how comfortable he was, invading my space like this.

_'Ah, but you lost your right to privacy, remember?'_ said that irritating voice in my head.

'I did not,' I growled back.

"Izzy,' Remus interrupted my thoughts. "Are you okay?"

I smiled brightly. "Just perfect."

He continued to look at me oddly. "I thought I heard you growl." Well, that would account for him looking at me like I grew a head. He cleared his throat. "Anyway, we need to talk." I sighed and he glared at me. "Why won't you take this seriously?"

"I do, I just don't want to talk about it."

"Why not? Don't you get we're trying to help you?"

I held up a hand, cutting off his rant. "Yes, I know you are. But," a hard edge crept into my voice. "talking won't help. And I don't want to talk-nor will I."

When Remus spoke again, his voice was soft and lined with hurt. "Will you talk to Sirius?" I looked at him and he continued. "I know he went to see you and I know he told you what he did."

"So?"

"So, he knows this better than me."

I cocked my head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"I only know I want to help you and that I l-care about you," he said thickly.

_But I don't love you_. But I couldn't tell him that; I had already broken his heart once. Remus sighed when I didn't answer. "I'll get Sirius."

"No!" I grabbed his arm. "Please don't, I just want to be alone."

He gave me a calculating look, and said: "It's probably wrong for me to agree, but fine."


	8. Chapter 8

**Jeez I am so sorry this took so long to update. It was so difficult to write and I'm not entirely happy with it..I might rewrite it but I don't know.**

Chapter 8

I had never been so glad for peace and quiet ad I sat in front of the Gryffindor fire at 3 in the morning. I had been surprised when Remus left without a fight and surprised even more when Sirius hadn't come barging in ten minutes later.

Sirius.

He kept pushing into my thoughts at the most inconvenient times. I could never have a relationship with him- or anyone- so why torture myself? God, staring into the fire, lamenting about a boy I could never have-my life was turning into such a cliché.

"Can't sleep?" I almost shirked as I whipped around to see Sirius standing at the bottom of the stairs. I barely suppressed a groan; why did he of all people have to be here?

"Yeah, you?" Can't he just go back to bed?

"I don't like just staring at the ceiling," he said as he walked over and sat down next to me. "Why couldn't you sleep?"

_I didn't want to lament about you in the dark dormitory._ "Oh, no reason, just not tired."

"Ah, well while we're here, we might as well do something fun."

"Like what?"

Sirius grinned. "Truth or dare?"

I shook my head. "No fun with just two people."

"Hmmm…spin the bottle?" I gave him my 'not a snowball's chance in Hell' look. "Okay, no. What about twenty questions?"

"What's that?"

"A muggle game Lily talks about." He shrugged. "I think we just ask each other questions."

"Doesn't sound very fun."

He grinned again, slyly this time. "I'm sure we could make it fun."

I rolled my eyes. "You're impossible, Sirius Black."

"So what say you, Fair Lady?"

"I skipped dinner to avoid questions," I grumbled.

"So yes then."

"On one condition: we can refuse to answer questions." Sirius' face fell, but he agreed. "So who goes first?"

"I will. So Isabelle, what's your favorite color?"

"Blue," I answered immediately.

"Interesting. So now you ask a question."

"What's _your_ favorite color?"

"That's cheating!" I just smiled at him. "Fine. Silver."

"Really?"

Sirius faintly blushed. "My turn! What's your favorite holiday?"

"Halloween," I smoothly said. "You?"

"Christmas. Why Halloween?"

"It's the day everyone can pretend to be someone else." And I don't have to go home or see everyone fawn over whatever their families sent.

"Oh. Aren't you gonna ask why I like Christmas?"

"Is it because of the presents?" He grinned. "Figures. What are you doing for the holidays this year?"

"We Marauders are staying here. You?"

Ah shit, I shouldn't have asked. "Same." _Don't ask. Don't ask. Don't-_

"Do you always stay?" _–ask._

"Yes, why?" He looked at me sadly. "Don't you?" I challenged.

"Some years I go around to the Potters." Well, aren't you lucky? "Why don't you go home?"

I stared. "Are you seriously asking me this?"

"What? Oh! Right, sorry."

I snorted. "Don't bother being sorry."

His face contorted into confusion. "Why not?"

"It's just…I don't care. You didn't insult me and I'd rather stay here anyway. My turn right?"

"Yeah."

"Favorite animal?"

"Dog, you?"

"That's kind of funny." He gave me a weird look. "You know, with your name and all. Nevermind." I shook my head to clear it. "Anyway, mine's probably deer." Pretty ironic, but I'd always loved deer for how carefree and innocent they are. Everything I wished I could be.

"You should get on well with Prongs then." I gave him a confused look and he just said, "My turn now!"

"Okay, fine, don't explain your cryptic musings," I grumbled.

"Why did you try to kill yourself?" His question hit me like a train and my breath caught. I stared at him, a deer in the headlights, not breathing, not believing he would ask that question.

"I've already said. What's the point in living if I'm so worthless and never going to be good enough?"

He shook his head. "I mean why then? You said you'd been cutting for over a year. What made you give up then?"

Oh. What could I say? It's not like I could casually say '_Oh yeah, my parents wanted me dead and I decided to grant their wish. No big deal.'_

"Izzy?" Sirius' voice was so serious, so soft and kind, I almost wanted to tell the truth. Almost.

I shrugged. "It just all became too much. I wanted out."

"You wanted out," he repeated slowly.

"Please Sirius; can we not do this now?" He wanted to argue, I could see it in his face. "Please?" I repeated softly.

He sighed. "Fine. But this isn't over, Izzy."

"Thank you." We sat in front of the crackling fire for several long, quiet minutes. I looked over at Sirius' profile, illuminated by the fire. He really was quite handsome, and I knew why he was the heartbreaker of Hogwarts. The million dollar question, though: Was he going to break my heart? _'Not if you don't give it to him,' _the voice in my head whispered.

"You're staring at me." He didn't even bother to look away from the fire. "I know I'm gorgeous, but there's no need to stare." He finally looked over, grinning and we were once again within a foot of each other.

"I..uh.." Damn! How does he always do this to me? I refused to be one of those tongue-tied bimbos he usually has on his arm. That's it; this craziness had gone on long enough. "You just wish, Black. Don't kid yourself." He looked taken aback at my harsh tone. Oh well, that was how it was going to be.

"Everything all right, Izzy?"

"Just peachy." He continued to look at me funny and I rolled my eyes. "What?"

"Nothing, you're just acting strangely."

"As compared to what?"

"Compared to actually acting like a real person."

I scoffed. "I hardly think I count as a real person, Sirius."

"And why not?" Why did his voice have to be so nice? Why did it make me want to talk to him; to like him? "You breathe, you think sometimes, you even manage to hold a civilized conversation every once in a while, why wouldn't you be a real person?"

I rolled my eyes again. "Fine, a _normal_ real person then."

"Normal's overrated."

"And you're a cliché."

"Ouch!" Sirius looked injured. "That hurt, Izzy."

I started to smile, but caught myself. I couldn't fall for Black, which means I wouldn't find him charming or funny or give myself any reason to even think about a relationship with him.

It would not happen. Ever. Which meant I needed to walk away right then otherwise I knew I never would. "Well, this has been fun and all, but I'm off to bed. Night."

"Oh? Am I invited?" Sirius asked cheekily with a wink.

"You wish."

**Is it just me or did this chapter seem very angsty? Ugh, that cannot be the norm. It will change, I promise! Anyway, be amazing and review please!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Please read the A/N at the end of the chapter. Enjoy!**

Chapter 9

Two days. Two days is the maximum time that I was able to avoid Sirius Black before he found me, in the library of all places.

"Black, I didn't think you knew where the library was."

"Oh, are we back to surnames now, _Blishwick_?" He didn't care that I called him Black; he just wanted me to know that he noticed. _Git_.

"What do you care?" I didn't have time for this, I had three essays to write- one being for potions and Slughorn absolutely hated me.

"Don't flatter yourself, love, I don't."

"Good, so it doesn't matter then." I really didn't even have the energy for this crap right now. We sat in silence for several minutes, him leaning back cockily in his seat, and I bent over my essay, studiously ignoring him. Finally, his stare was just too damn heavy on my back. "Why are you here?"

"Well, you remember when I said that the conversation about you wasn't over?" I looked at him, my face blank. "No? I asked you why you tried to kill yourself, you begged me to drop it that night, ring any bells?" He sighed. "Oh well, we're finishing that now. Tell me the truth Izzy: What made you give up that night?"

He was so stupid. Did he really think it was a split second decision that I had made in one night? I had been thinking about it long and hard, that night just happened to have the needed catalyst. I couldn't tell him though; not because I didn't want him to think of me as weak or to be upset, no- I knew he would make a big deal of it, I knew he'd go to McGonagall or Dumbledore. I knew all of the Marauders would know within the hour. And I knew my life would get monumentally even more difficult. It was none of his business and none of his concern.

"Izzy? Talk to me dammit!"

"No!" I yelled, ignoring Madame Prince's glare. "It's none of your damn business. When will you get that through your obnoxiously thick head?"

His face clouded with anger. "I won't because I told you that night in the hospital wing, I will keep throwing you a lifeline and if you don't take it, well I'll be right here throwing another one. When will you get that through your head?"

I didn't care. I couldn't care. I wouldn't care. "I don't care," I whispered. "You mean nothing to me and I don't care what happens to you or what you think of me." I put as much venom in my words as possible, ignoring the sad look on his face. I needed him to back off; I had to alienate him otherwise I would never be able to let go and letting go was all I wanted. Once again, I was drowning in everything and yet in nothing. I felt nothing; I cared for no one and no one could save me. My course was set and all I wanted was for it to as painless as possible.

"No, Izzy," his voice was just as soft and yet so much more powerful than mine. "You do care, otherwise you wouldn't have talked to me that night in the hospital; you wouldn't have played that game with me; and most of all: you wouldn't be here right now. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know the truth. Whether you want to or mean to or not, you care and you'll never be able to stop that."

"You're wrong. You have no idea just how wrong you are." I stood and gathered my books, preparing to leave. "And one day, you'll realize that." I turned and left him staring at me, pale-faced and shocked. I walked slowly back to the tower. I couldn't think; I couldn't breathe. That was it. I couldn't take it anymore. There was too much on me; everyone wanted something. Remus wanted me to go out with him; Dumbledore wanted me to report my parents; McGonagall wanted me to get better; and Sirius wanted something- I just couldn't tell what. It had to stop. I could feel myself slipping farther and farther away, and it was just harder to let go with all of them on my conscience. I didn't even think I still had one of those, but I could feel it pushing at the back of my mind, like an incessant puppy wanting to play. Only my conscience didn't want to play, it wanted to run me ragged with my head spinning and my heart aching; it wanted to tear me apart bit by bit but never let me go, all because I'd feel so damn guilty.

.z.

I walked and walked and walked around the castle for hours. I didn't know where to go. The common room would be full; the halls patrolled in a few minutes, the classrooms were to be claimed by snogging couples soon, and the Astronomy tower freezing this close to Christmas. I knew there was a hidden room somewhere in Hogwarts, I had heard James and Remus talking about it, but I didn't know where it was.

I just wanted a place to hide from the world. I just wanted to be left alone. "Izzy?" The voice behind me was quiet, and slightly horse. When was the last time I'd even spoken to Remus? Oh, right, three days ago when I was finally released from Madame Pomfry's clutches.

I turned around slowly. "Remus, long time, no see." I wasn't sure if I put enough edge in my to make it clear that I didn't want to talk, but I figured even if I did Remus would've ignored it.

"Not my fault, you've been avoiding me." Yep, he'll definitely ignore my wishes of solitude.

"And your point is?" I asked tiredly. I really just wanted to sit in a corner somewhere and sleep. God, was I really that pathetic?

"My point is it's your doing we haven't talked in so long."

"Three days isn't that long."

"It is when you're worried for someone."

"And who could you possibly be worried for, dear Remus?" Shit, now it sounded like I was flirting.

"Damnit Izzy, stop making a joke of this. You know I'm worried for you and you know why."

"Actually, I don't. I spent my time in the hospital wing, and Madame Pomfry declared me healthy. Do you really disagree with her _professional_ opinion?" He opened his mouth to reply, but I beat him to it. "Didn't think so." I turned back around to walk away, but his voice stopped me again.

"You haven't been eating again."

"Wrong. I haven't been eating in the Great Hall."

"And why not?"

"And here I thought you were supposed to be the smart one of the Marauders." I really didn't want to deal with this right now. The problem with Remus was he always wanted too much. I idly moved a hand towards my arm and scratched at a not quite healed cut.

"Stop that," Remus said sharply. I jerked my gaze towards him but he was staring at my arm. I stared straight at him until he met my eyes and then gave my arm a defiant scratch. "Izzy! What are you doing?"

"Scratching my arm. What does it look like I'm doing?"

He frowned. "Pull your sleeve up."

"Are we really going to go through this again? Last time I didn't have anything there and I did my time in the hospital wing anyway."

"And it's been three days."

I smirked at him. "Don't you think I could've gotten better? That maybe my time in the hospital wing and the _cozy_ chat Sirius forced me to have made a difference?"

His face tightened at the mention of Sirius, but he answered me flatly: "No. I don't think so."

"Then if that couldn't help, what makes you think anything can?" I challenged.

"Because," he said softly, searching my face, "I think that you're eventually going to realize that there are people who care and people who want to help you. You're going to realize that you have something worth living for."

"The people who 'care' all want something from me, Remus. And you're going to realize one day that it's too late for me. That's why you need to go find some nice girl who isn't fucked up in the head." I turned around and walked off, leaving him staring open-mouthed behind me.

**Wow, it's been a long time. So I need help: anyone who actually cares about this story, if y'all could review it would be awesome; I am pretty much out of ideas on how to end this. If I don't get any helpful reviews, I'm afraid that I might have to discontinue the story because like I said, I have no idea how to keep this up.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Finally updated!**

I could imagine Remus behind me, gaping like a fish, trying to come up with a valid reason to get my ass sent back to the hospital wing. "Isabelle, wait!" I heard footsteps running behind me and I sped up, turning the corner and ducking behind a tapestry of some crazy guy trying to teach trolls ballet just before Remus can pounding into the corridor behind me. I heard him stop right in front of my hiding spot and mutter to himself: "I didn't think she knew where it was." He started pacing up and down the short stretch of hall, repeating "I need to get in where she went; I need to get in where she went; I need to get in where she went." '_What the hell?'_ After a few seconds he stopped directly in front of me. Then, I heard what sounded like a door open and close.

I peeked out from behind the tapestry and saw a large, ornate door that was most definitely not there two minutes ago. '_Did I just find their secret room thing?'_ I walked up to it and was about to open it when I realized this was the perfect hiding spot. When Remus didn't find me in there he would assume I was just faster than him and still didn't know about the room. Taking careful note of where it was- I just had to be on the lookout for Barnabas the Barmy- I turned and quickly walked back in the direction I came from. Remus was a logical sort of guy, if he was going to continue searching for me he'd go in the other direction.

I kept on with my endless, circular walk, paying little attention to where I was going until I found myself next to a portrait of fruit. Sighing, I tickled the pair, deciding the kitchen was as good a place as any to hide out for a while. I almost turned right back around when I walked in and saw Sirius sitting across from James at the table- and would have had Sirius not spotted me and called my name.

"Long time no see," James greeted me.

"How come everyone keeps saying that?" I grumbled, plopping down next to Sirius. "Three days isn't that long!"

The boys rolled their eyes. "So, Isabelle, how have you been?" James' voice was so full of fake cheeriness I almost slapped him. I'm fucked up in the head, that doesn't mean every little thing is going to set me off.

"I've been bloody brilliant James; don't worry."

Sirius snorted. "You're never alright, Izzy."

I glared. "Shut up, Sirius. Oh, James," I said as a thought hit me, "since you're here, how come I'd get on well with you just because my favorite animal is the deer?"

Sirius coughed and James looked stunned. He turned to Sirius. "Padfoot, what did you tell her?" he demanded, his voice raising almost an octave and cracking near the end.

"Oy! Mate, I didn't tell her anything. We we're playing twenty questions."

I grinned. "He's right; he didn't tell me anything but _you_ just told me there's a good story behind this. Care to share?"

James turned his glare onto me. "No, I don't 'care to share'. It's none of your business."

"Hey, hey," I held up my hands in defense. "You are both nosing in _my_ business; it's only fair." James and Sirius exchanged uneasy looks and I frowned. "Why do I get the feeling that this isn't your story?" Their looks of unease increased. "Is it about Remus?"

James looked surprised. "How'd you get to that conclusion?"

"Oh please, it had to be about either Remus or Peter otherwise you would have spilled. And obviously it isn't Peter because A) nothing interesting would really happen and B) you'd probably spill anyway." They both stared at me, speechless. "So, what's the story?"

"I-we- uh-"

"Words, James, preferably English."

"What he is trying to say," Sirius picked up, "is that Remus is only dangerous to humans on the full moon. So we found a way around it."

Realization dawned on me. "You're Animagi!" Both boys nodded. "And I bet you're unregistered, right?" They nodded again. "You guys are insanely stupid."

"Actually, it took almost five years and a lot of talent to accomplish," James bragged.

"Alright, we shared ours; it's your turn now." Sirius never knew when to let something go.

"I told you, I'm fine." He and Sirius shared another look and suddenly James stood up and stretched.

"Well, I'm off to bed. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, Padfoot." He clapped Sirius on the shoulder, nodded to me and ambled out of the kitchen.

"Real subtle of you two."

Sirius grinned. "Everyone knows we work as a team."

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? So everything I say, you'll then report back to James? Or maybe Remus?" I shook my head and made to stand. "I came in here to be alone."

"Izzy wait," Sirius grabbed my arm and I thought about how many times in the past twelve hours someone has told me to 'wait'.

"Yes?"

"If you want to talk, then talk. I won't tell anyone."

"Not even if I tell you I'm going to off myself tomorrow night?"

He looked sick. "Are you?"

I laughed. "No, jeez relax. I promise I am stable. I'm not cutting, I am eating and I won't kill myself tomorrow."

His look faded into a slight unease but he didn't seem to know what to say. We sat in companionable silence for several minutes while I poked at the pudding the house elves brought me when I walked in.

"I know you were lying," Sirius said, abruptly breaking the silence.

I put down my spoon and looked up at him. "I'm sorry but you'll have to be more specific. I've lied plenty of times."

"When you said you'd let us help you." He sighed impatiently at my blank stare. "That morning in the hospital wing after McGonagall let your proverbial cat out of the bag."

"Ooo big word, Sirius; sure you know what it means?" He glared at me. "What? It's a valid question."

"Yes, I know what it means; and no, you aren't going to distract me by trying to insult me." He sniffed and stuck his nose in the air, looking like the picture-perfect pureblood. I let out a small giggle and he resumed his normal half smirk. "Anyway, I mean I know you were lying when you said you'd let us help you that morning."

"And how do you figure that?" I picked my spoon back up and returned to my pudding, feigning disinterest.

"Because I said almost the exact same thing."

Disinterest was becoming difficult to fake. "Oh? When was that?"

"When they found out what was going on, what I was doing."

"I thought all it took was Remus yelling at you."

He snorted. "Are you kidding me? It took that, but that happened when Remus realized I wasn't getting better. And then I realized how much I really had." He looked at me so seriously I put my spoon down and raised an eyebrow. "You have much more than you realize, Izzy."

I made a face. "Stop being so sappy, it doesn't suit you."

"Stop making a joke of this."

"Why? I think you trying to be sappy is funny."

"I mean all of this." Sirius' voice hardened. "Do you realize that every time someone brings up what's going on with you, you make a joke of it and slip right out of telling anyone the truth?"

I shrugged. "What can I say? It's a gift."

"No, it's a problem. When will you realize you can't live pushing people away all the time?"

"Maybe I don't want to live." Sirius blanched at the nonchalance in my voice. And he thought he could handle all my shit.

"Don't say that, Izzy."

I laughed. "Why not? Maybe it's true."

"You said you were stable."

I leaned over the table and whispered, "Wanna hear a secret? There's no such thing as 'stable' for someone like me. There's not wanting to kill yourself in that moment and then there's…nothing. No middle ground, no 'stable'."

"That's not true." He shook his head adamantly. "You know it isn't. Don't claim there is nothing you can do. Don't push away the people who love you and want to save you!"

"Why shouldn't I!? Why should I believe that anyone wants to save me just because I deserve to live?"

"Don't you?"

"Probably not."

"Why not?"

"You keep asking that. I don't know why but my parents have made it pretty damn clear that I shouldn't be alive. Maybe, just maybe, after years of hearing it I've finally bought into it."

His voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Your parents told you they want you dead?"

I shrugged again, trying to hold myself together. "Not in so many words, but I'm sure that's what they meant. 'Oh Isabelle, why can't you get straight 'O's? Oh Isabelle, why can't you be a picture perfect pureblood?' I'm not good enough for them."

Sirius shook his head. "Then they don't matter if they can't see how amazing you are."

"I don't care what they think. I never have held much stock by what they say I'm doing wrong."

"But you just said-" He broke off and gave me a funny look. I struggled not to show any emotion. The last thing I need was for Sirius to realize how much I _did_ care about my parents' approval. All I'd ever wanted was them to think I was good enough. Until their last letter; then I told myself I didn't care. I still did though; I couldn't help it. "You said you bought into what they've been saying- which I must say is a very bad choice- but that aside, if you've bought into it then you obviously do care what they think."

"No, I don't. End of discussion."

"Like hell it is!"

"Why can't you just drop it, Sirius? Do you realize that every time we're together, we're always talking about how fucked up I am?"

"Maybe because that's the biggest issue right now," he said quietly.

"How about you instead, mhm? Who's your flavor of the week now?" I smiled and tried to keep my voice light.

"A blonde," he said vaguely.

"Oh, a blonde? Hmmm, there are at least a dozen in our year! That is so not answering the question, Sirius," I accused, pointing my spoon at him.

He laughed. "I know. Why are you so interested?" I shrugged. "That's not answering the question, Izzy."

"Can't I just be interested?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it doesn't work like that," he answered, leaning closer to me.

"Sirius," I breathed when his face was within an inch of mine.

"Yeah?"

"We shouldn't do this," I whispered.

"Why not?"

"You know why."

"I don't think I do." He grinned slightly, leaning even closer as my heart stuttered.

"You're Remus' friend...and I…" I tried as hard as I could but forming complete sentences seemed to be out of my reach.

"Remus has nothing to do with us, Izzy. This is about you and me."

"Sirius," I argued. "I really don't think-" I would have kept going but he cut me off, pressing his lips to mine. My formally stuttering heart stopped all together; Sirius' mouth felt like fire against mine and his hands, previously lying so innocently on the table, wrapped around my hips.

He finally broke the kiss and smirked. "Well that's one way to shut you up." His voice brought me back to my senses and the blood roared in my ears. I jerked away from him and his smirk drooped. "What's wrong?"

"I told you, we shouldn't have done that." I scooted down the bench and tried to control my heartbeat.

"Relax, it was just a kiss." I flinched at his nonchalance and the hurt must have shined in my eyes; he abruptly stopped laughing. "Izzy, I didn't mean-"

"Didn't mean what?" I snapped. "Clearly you didn't mean anything so don't bother." I got up and fled from the kitchen.


End file.
